For as long as I can remember, I've thought that I've got it all together. I have a successful job, come home and cook dinner every night, run a small etsy shop, and find time to work out on the side. In reality, it's pride. It's me, showing off all I can do.
And then this new job. It's revealed a lot of my heart that's been there all along, I've just kept it hidden. I had "mastered" life to the point where I could shove those ugly skeletons in the closet for no one to see.
So now, when I'm not able to get satisfaction and happiness at work
when I'm not able to cook meals
when I'm not afforded time to relax at home
when I don't get the comfort that I want.
I begin to see that my heart has been angry, entitled, frustrated and jealous all along. I was just appeasing it with my self-righteous fulfillment. and in the midst of this, I'm finding I need a new heart. So I'm seeking the one who promises to remove my stony heart and replace it with a new one.
all I've been doing is pretending to know what I'm doing when I really don't. I need help from the only God who can change hearts. not self-help kind of help. santificaion I want to be a new person. and countless hours reading blogs, skimming pinterest, and endless tweeting don't solve the issue.
and so, this season hurts.
it's painful and uncomfortable
and it's showing me just how much I really worship control.
but this life is not for my happiness and control
it's for His glory
and for that, I want a new heart that holds no bitterness