dreams

I am a dreamer, a planner
a liver in tomorrow-er
I have dreams of homes, of babies, of new jobs, of more education.
I want to be the best at what I do; I want to be appreicated by those I work with
I dream of being the Proverbs 31 wife, of helping my boss find the esterase.
I dream of  a PhD.

but in all these dreams, who am I?  sometimes I wonder if I am fit to be a wife, a mother, to get more education? In all of these dreams, am I missing things now because I am focused on things to be?  I do not want to count the life I have now as a failure because I didn't fulfill these dreams.

dreams hurt. when I share these innermost desires; I am admitting pain when they don't happen.  but I want to feel. to feel the joy, and the pain. I don't want to be numbed to disappointment and quit dreaming.

I want to relinquish the utter control of those dreams.  I am not saying those are not still things my heart desires, but to know that I have  God who is good, and who delights in giving good gifts.  and if He fills those dreams, or if He gives new dreams, I can be full and giving thanks. I want my dreams to be able to change. I want a new dream; a dream that seeks only to bring glory and praise to the one who made me. a dream where the glory is not in my accolades, but in the goodness of God that I have seen.

because I still have dreams, and a God that fills them.