oh sorry, I thought I deserved that

there's a time for everything.
a time for me to show you weekend pictures,
and diets and goals.

and because this blog is the story of our life and the God who pours His grace over it.
there's a time to show you just how ugly my heart can be.

I had two classes this semester. and my job working at the lab.
and a little bit of that etsy stuff in between.
and in the midst of all of it, things got busy.

it got stressful to cook dinner.
laundry was a thing of the past
showers--every other day is plenty.

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this became normal.
 except my greedy heart wanted time to do nothing
time to sit in front of the TV and watch the whole series of Lost.
and my selfish heart decided that since I worked so hard all week,
Saturdays should just be for fun.
no studying, no working, just fun.

and it worked pretty well, for most of the semester.
I had created a system for myself where I deserved rewards for working.

and it worked well,  until finals week came. and I still wanted that Saturday to do nothing.
so, I decided to schedule all my schoolwork for Sunday.
I'll just skip church and do all the work then.

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and at this point, the Lord decided to use my husband for some nitty-gritty heart change.
amongst the fighting, tears, and heated statements, we got to a place where I said
"I value school over church."
NOT- school over my relationship with Jesus, but school over going to the building weekly church.
"I deserve time to rest and relax on Saturdays"

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and what Sam said next is nothing short of the Lord speaking to me, using a person to do it.
in quiet and calm he said
"Sometimes we don't get what we deserve"

and I knew. what I deserve is Hell.
and what I've created here is a system where I'm God and I decide when I get rewarded. 
and all I really deserve is Hell.
but that's not what I get. and I'm not getting what I deserve.

so maybe I should get rest time.
and there will be seasons of rest, and seasons of working to the bone.
and it's all fine. I don't deserve full Saturdays of rest. 

because what I really hope to show is that I don't own my life.
it's owned by a God who is not giving me what I deserve.