back to blogging

 

Normally, when I take a 6 week haitus from blogging, it's because too much is going on. And that couldn't be more true this time.  When I get quiet + vansish, it's all because under the surface everything is bubbling over.  After I posted about how I didn't get into nursing school, life just got tough.  It was a dry, hard spring. Most days felt like "getting by" days. And yet, He was there. In the midst of the hardest time in a long time.

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing" Zep 3:17

But, there's a new morning and we're on the edge of a new, sweet season.

home

 

 

If I haven't made it clear, I want to make it known now

Sam really has been the only way I've made it through the last 7 weeks of this job.

 

He's been completely supportive, doing all the dishes, housework, and letting me crash asleep whenever I can get a minute.

 

the picture of these vows (though they are not the ones we said at our wedding) have never been more true than they are now. It's funny to me--we promise things at a wedding, and as we grow together, they become more true then when we promised them.

 

 I am madly in love with my husband. like, widly, madly, crazy in love with him. he is loving and patient and gentle and he leads me so well; he is easy to follow and easy to serve. he is quick to forgive and quick to ask for forgiveness. he makes me laugh daily. there isn't a favorite memory with him...but just a complete and utter underservingness on my part of how he loves me daily. i am so so thankful, day after day, to be his. to get to share his name. to know that he has promised me his whole life here on earth. to know that when the Lord made Samuel in his mother's womb, he was making him for me. my husband loves me with a love that is powerful and transforming. he loves me as to push me more towards Christ. i am madly in love, deeply underserving, and utterly thankful.  

 

I love you, Samuel.



where we're headed

as you've probably gathered around here, this new job change has been rough. When I tell people I work for the university, they all smile with delight and say "You must love working at your alma mater."  But sometimes things are not what they seem. And thus working here has been anything but great.

I won't tell you all the little facts of this job, but all parts of it: the commute, the work, the pay, the management....pretty much led to me a position where I was willing to do anything but this. Nanny, Starbucks, Walmart were all things I considered doing to tide me over until I could find a new job.

I fell into a place that was dark and sad; a place no one should be. I felt depressed, useless, stupid and at times, crazy. I watched some of my favorite things about myself disappear and I cried myself to sleep many a night feeling helpless, frightened and trapped. You guys, I've been miserable. It's insane how much a job can do that to you and the effect it can have on your whole life.

photo credit

And then something happened: I got an interview, and then another. And a job offer. At a place where I'm back doing research. You guys, I never realized just how happy I am when doing science. I never dreamed my career would fulfill me this much or have such an impact on my day.

 

Life's too short to settle and just merely go through the motions; to accept things and just "get over it"; and I wasn't going to do it anymore. And by the grace of God and support of my family and friends, I'm moving on.

And so next Friday I'm saying so long to this place and headed to the next one.

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I know there's a lot of people out there job hunting and searching; trust me, you're not alone. If you ever want someone to talk to about it, email me! I've been there.

also: if you're in a place like me, dealing with difficult people, this post is a must read.

one blessed life

the more days that go by,

the more I see how much grace has been spilled over into every crevice of my life. there's a lot I wish was different. I long for Houston, throw a pity party every now and again. I'm not back in school yet, and I've yet to vacation all the places my heart desires.but when I look at my life the only thing I see is grace.

we spent the weekend in Houston

and I was completely awed and blown away by our friends.12 of our closest friends met us for dinner Friday night. and I left feeling loved to the core. notes from all of my friends and the sweetest gift basket you've ever seen. those friends are living and loving community in the truest form.

these are friends I'll keep for a lifetime.

we stayed the weekend with my former boss turned great friend.

the words and love and encouragement and empowerment from him is life-giving.

it's a friendship that started in the unlikeliest of places, and it's one that brings a smile to my face every time I think of it.

reunited and it feels so good.

it was a whilwind of a weekend that slipped by way too fast.

one whose memories will scroll through my mind for weeks to come.



this last month has been a journey.

I have grown in ways I never thought possible.

I have been encouraged and survived on words of friends like I never knew before.

I have found strength in myself that I never knew existed.

and yes, things aren't perfect.

and most of the time I long for what was in Houston.

but when I look on my days

all I really see is one blessed life.



bitterness in my heart

For as long as I can remember, I've thought that I've got it all together.  I have a successful job, come home and cook dinner every night, run a small etsy shop, and find time to work out on the side. In reality, it's pride. It's me, showing off all I can do.

And then this new job. It's revealed a lot of my heart that's been there all along, I've just kept it hidden. I had "mastered" life to the point where I could shove those ugly skeletons in the closet for no one to see.

So now, when I'm not able to get satisfaction and happiness at work
when I'm not able to cook meals
when I'm not afforded time to relax at home
when I don't get the comfort that I want.

I begin to see that my heart has been angry, entitled, frustrated and jealous all along. I was just appeasing it with my self-righteous fulfillment. and in the midst of this, I'm finding I need a new heart. So I'm seeking the one who promises to remove my stony heart and replace it with a new one.

source

all I've been doing is pretending to know what I'm doing when I really don't. I need help from the only God who can change hearts. not self-help kind of help. santificaion  I want to be a new person.   and countless hours reading blogs, skimming pinterest, and endless tweeting don't solve the issue.

and so, this season hurts.
it's painful and uncomfortable
and it's showing me just how much I really worship control.

but this life is not for my happiness and control
it's for His glory
and for that, I want a new heart that holds no bitterness

A true story: We're moving to Austin

part 1: Great Grace
Not everyone knows our story.  We're college sweethearts, now married and sweethearts foveva.  Sam's from Austin, I'm from Fort Worth. after college I got a job in Houston, and we've been here almost 2 years. I work in cancer research, Sam works for Ford Audio Video.  I am head over heels in love with my job. I love the people I work with, and the guy I work for. It's a first job people dream about--if the pay was different, I would do it for my whole life.

Sam, on the other hand is a different story. His story is of sacrifice and provision. He's learned a lot in the job he has, but it's never been his passion. But daily I've watched him work a job that has driven us both to our knees at times for our family.  He's the picture of a selfless, giving, loving man.

It seems since the moment we married (and before) we've prayed for a career for Sam. A place where his great passion can be put into use in the workplace.  And for Sam, insurance is the perfect fit. And after months and months of waiting and hearing "no" and "not yet" and "keep waiting," the time  has come. Sam has a job with State Farm and starts July 19th.

part 2: our incubator in Houston
When I took a job in Houston that started the week after my college graduation, most people thought I was crazy.  We were to be married in 4 months, and I moved our little family to a city where we knew not a soul. We're a 5 hour drive from my family and 3 hours from his.

but the best part: it's been wonderful. it's been an incubator for us--time to grow and stretch and soak our lives in all the best. best friends, best churches, and each other.  and it will be hard to leave. most days are filled with tears of some sort. but through the tears we're seeing the good.  the good that we have been blessed with here, and the better that is to come.

part 3: the job search continues
 so, Samuel starts his job on July 19th. From now until then, I'm job searching for things in Austin.  I want to continue working in a lab environment.  If the time comes for  him to start and I'm still jobless (in Austin) I'll continue working in Houston.  I'll stay here with some friends until I have a job in Austin.  If December rolls around and I'm still jobless, I'm moving to Austin at that point.  we've received grace upon grace for Sam's job and believe the same will happen for me.

part 4: family
we love Austin. Half of our family is there (Sam's side) and my family will be only 3 hours away. We love the state Capitol (where we got engaged!) We love our restaurants there, we love the feel of the city.

part 5: grace upon grace 
When Sam moves, he can live with his parents if I'm not quite coming with him.  And I have multiple places to stay here.  It's strange and it's hard and there are still fears, but this feels more right and more us following God than anything.  This is where God is putting us and it brings me immense joy to watch my husband pursue a job he's desired for so long. I have no idea how everything will work, or when I will join Sam in Austin, but we know God's going to blow our mind in all of it.

SO, in 5 short weeks Sam's moving to Austin. and I'm hoping to follow ASAP. it's none of our doing. We're just praising the One who lavished great grace all over our house. while it might seem out of our "5 year plan", God has given Himself and his Provision, and we're saturated in that.  We'd love your prayers as I job search for jobs in Austin, pack up here and say goodbye to wonderful friends. 

giving up on blogging

I'm linking up with Jessi today for the "Giving up on Good series", and you should too.

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Blogging.
for something that I started out as a hobby,
a way to keep up with friends.
it can sure turn into stress.

posting 5 times a week.
pretty pictures.
recipes, DIYs, and outfit posts
it can all get a little much.

and then there's the countless hours spent reading other blogs
their million followers,
perfect pictures,
and daily posts.

and instead of leaving "blog land"
refreshed and renewed,
I can leave feeling depressed and not quite measuring up.

because really,
I don't make homemade dish soap and laundry detergent
my meals aren't all organic and vegan
and most of the time, I don't look picture-worthy

So, blogging for me is changing. it's getting back to the reason it started.

no more worry and stress when I'm not posting every day. no more guilt.
no more counting followers. hoping and praying this little place will grow. and no more feeling less capable when it doesn't.

and YES to:
telling our families story.
making big of who HE is, not who I am.

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and, also: GRACE to you wonderful daily bloggers with the best pictures. if it's your thing, go for it.

___________________

and, B:  school starts for me again on Monday. wah wah wah, summer's almost over.
BUT, to celebrate, I'm having massive sale until Monday. black friday massive. in may. and june.

SO, because summer's almost over

because I love you

and because I just want to

USE CODE: SCHOOLSOUT for a whopping 40% from now until Monday, June 4th.

oh sorry, I thought I deserved that

there's a time for everything.
a time for me to show you weekend pictures,
and diets and goals.

and because this blog is the story of our life and the God who pours His grace over it.
there's a time to show you just how ugly my heart can be.

I had two classes this semester. and my job working at the lab.
and a little bit of that etsy stuff in between.
and in the midst of all of it, things got busy.

it got stressful to cook dinner.
laundry was a thing of the past
showers--every other day is plenty.

source

this became normal.
 except my greedy heart wanted time to do nothing
time to sit in front of the TV and watch the whole series of Lost.
and my selfish heart decided that since I worked so hard all week,
Saturdays should just be for fun.
no studying, no working, just fun.

and it worked pretty well, for most of the semester.
I had created a system for myself where I deserved rewards for working.

and it worked well,  until finals week came. and I still wanted that Saturday to do nothing.
so, I decided to schedule all my schoolwork for Sunday.
I'll just skip church and do all the work then.

source

and at this point, the Lord decided to use my husband for some nitty-gritty heart change.
amongst the fighting, tears, and heated statements, we got to a place where I said
"I value school over church."
NOT- school over my relationship with Jesus, but school over going to the building weekly church.
"I deserve time to rest and relax on Saturdays"

source

and what Sam said next is nothing short of the Lord speaking to me, using a person to do it.
in quiet and calm he said
"Sometimes we don't get what we deserve"

and I knew. what I deserve is Hell.
and what I've created here is a system where I'm God and I decide when I get rewarded. 
and all I really deserve is Hell.
but that's not what I get. and I'm not getting what I deserve.

so maybe I should get rest time.
and there will be seasons of rest, and seasons of working to the bone.
and it's all fine. I don't deserve full Saturdays of rest. 

because what I really hope to show is that I don't own my life.
it's owned by a God who is not giving me what I deserve.

strength that does nothing

for a few weeks I've been doing things on my own strength

working

studying

trying and flailing on my own

coming up short and frustrated

arrogantly living without Jesus in the everyday

living in a state of prayerlessness and thanklessness 

counting on my own strength

strength that does nothing

but even when I'm an arrogant sinner

slapping Jesus in the face by saying 

"I don't need to spend time with you today, I'm just too busy"

He keeps luring me back, wooing me to himself

a love story perfect in every way.

a God full of grace.

my friend Jessi made this print and posted it for sale in her etsy shop, (go buy it from her!)

and it's just what my heart is learning.

He is my anchor, even when my soul is prone to wander.