these dreams of mine

I applied to nursing school. Back in December, I packed up all my hopes and dreams and work and mailed them off in an envelope. And we waited. We prayed and we waited.

We pleaded and told God it was what we wanted. This school, this timing was what we wanted.

And I got a letter of denial. This isn't the school, this isn't the time.

I've been quiet about it, even though I got the letter a few weeks ago now. It's been hard. But we're releasing our goals into His hands. Still pleading, still wanting. Planning to try again.  There's 5 more schools that are accepting applications this fall to begin in January of 2014. We're trying again. We're pushing into Him harder, knowing His dreams for us are bigger and shine brighter than the ones we have.

But day to day? It's raw. It hurts. My pride doesn't want to admit I didn't get in. My heart clings more to plans than to God on days. It's showing me how much I put faith in work and in myself. Thinking I can work my way to whereever I want to go.

The dreams are still there.  Though we may feel a bit lost, we're trusting that it's best we don't see the whole plan.

when it's what you want

As some of you may or may not know, I'm waiting a response to nursing school. I've applied, done all the hard work. And now I'm sitting in wait.

And every day there's a battle. Of checking the mail. I'm so anxious to check, but then I want to avoid it altogether. It makes me sick to my stomach. I go daily, anxiously anticipating the letter. Of playing it in my head going either way. Yes. Or No.  I was told the answer will come in March of 2013. And now, for the better part of a month, we play this game every day.

And my daily prayer is to hold my plans with open hands. Wishing and wanting and hoping for this dream, but not idolizing school. Knowing the One who holds our future has good for us, not harm.  But when I'm honest, I know it's what I deeply desire. I can't imagine a future without nursing school. But more than that, I know what I can't live without daily is Jesus. So I'm holding it with open hands. Pleading and praying and making my deepest desires known to the only One who really plans our futures.

If you find yourself in a place like this. A place where your dreams are laid bare and your heart feels raw, take it to the only one who knows our futures. And take that step to the mailbox with confidence.

oh sorry, I thought I deserved that

there's a time for everything.
a time for me to show you weekend pictures,
and diets and goals.

and because this blog is the story of our life and the God who pours His grace over it.
there's a time to show you just how ugly my heart can be.

I had two classes this semester. and my job working at the lab.
and a little bit of that etsy stuff in between.
and in the midst of all of it, things got busy.

it got stressful to cook dinner.
laundry was a thing of the past
showers--every other day is plenty.

source

this became normal.
 except my greedy heart wanted time to do nothing
time to sit in front of the TV and watch the whole series of Lost.
and my selfish heart decided that since I worked so hard all week,
Saturdays should just be for fun.
no studying, no working, just fun.

and it worked pretty well, for most of the semester.
I had created a system for myself where I deserved rewards for working.

and it worked well,  until finals week came. and I still wanted that Saturday to do nothing.
so, I decided to schedule all my schoolwork for Sunday.
I'll just skip church and do all the work then.

source

and at this point, the Lord decided to use my husband for some nitty-gritty heart change.
amongst the fighting, tears, and heated statements, we got to a place where I said
"I value school over church."
NOT- school over my relationship with Jesus, but school over going to the building weekly church.
"I deserve time to rest and relax on Saturdays"

source

and what Sam said next is nothing short of the Lord speaking to me, using a person to do it.
in quiet and calm he said
"Sometimes we don't get what we deserve"

and I knew. what I deserve is Hell.
and what I've created here is a system where I'm God and I decide when I get rewarded. 
and all I really deserve is Hell.
but that's not what I get. and I'm not getting what I deserve.

so maybe I should get rest time.
and there will be seasons of rest, and seasons of working to the bone.
and it's all fine. I don't deserve full Saturdays of rest. 

because what I really hope to show is that I don't own my life.
it's owned by a God who is not giving me what I deserve.

school days

sidebar: I could have also titled this post "I look like a pack mule most of the time"

Now that I feel we are officially in the swing of the semester,

I thought I'd give you a little insight to what my days are like on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

6:30-7:00 am : Sam wakes me up.   I normally ask for 5 more minutes (I am a snoozer).  Coffee is ready; I make lunches

7:15: Sam leaves. I blog for the day.
I  should get in the shower at 7:25.  Sometimes blogging takes over. What can I say?  Non hair days (I only do my hair every other day, people) I get to blog up until like 15 minutes before leaving.

8:20: I'm out the door complete with change of clothes for work, (if we are cage changing I have to get out of those nasty clothes once we are done.  Lots of mouse poop = necessary change of clothes).  my lunch, dinner, backpack, laptop, and purse. 

4:50: Squeeze out the door a little early so I can start fighting traffic to get to class. I normally talk to Sam for a few minutes on my drive.

5:30: Class starts; teacher drones.

8:30: I stumble back to the truck, ready for dinner and tired from the day.

8:50: I am home!  Day is over. It's crafty time.

this season

the weather is changing.
well, sort of.  it's Houston. it's still hot.
but sometimes in the mornings it's a little bit cooler.
the promise of fall is there.

and maybe it's just me, but the changing of the seasons gets me all weepy with the changes of our lives.
this fall I started going back to school.
and it will be a three year journey of our lives.
a year of pre-reqs, and two years of nursing school.
a change to our lives; for the better.

for the first 8 months of our marriage, we both just worked.
just work, and home. work and home.

and now there's school.
and everything is changing just a bit.
i'm gone two nights of the week for now.
and studying on the weekends.
small changes now, more to come.
and in the spring it will be two classes.
and then nursing school starts next fall.

and i get all weepy thinking about those first 8 months
they were/are a huge blessing.
a time the Lord gave us to just be.

but I know the Lord has given this season as well.
and while I'm nervous about balancing it all.
and wondering how much I can work.
or if I will work during nursing school.

but as the seasons change,
I'm embracing this change as well.
excited for the season to come.

the first day of school

today begins the first day in this new journey.
it's my first day of school.
class is from 530-830 tonight, and again on thursday.

i am so excited and pumped to begin.
i am one of those people who loves school, loves learning, and can't wait to return.
i know the Lord has led us to nursing school, and I am truly ready to begin this new adventure.
i am so thankful the Lord gave direction as to where to go back to school and what to pursue.

we had talked about doing a PhD in research, and then the idea of nursing started to come into the picture.  for us, nursing provides more freedom to be able to live where we want.  with research, we are more tied to Houston (and the research that goes on in the med center).  With nursing, we have more flexibility with choosing where to live.  we want to eventually be closer to our families (who are in Austin and Fort Worth).  it's also a much shorter program, and not as intensive.  as much as I love research and where I am now, I am excited to become a nurse.

but sometimes, the fear creeps in.
it is a little intimidating. and I am concerned about learning to balance work and school
and the needs of a husband.
we want to pay our way through, and not borrow. i know the Lord will provide. 
i want to work as long as I can, and I know the Lord will provide.

I'm trusting the Lord. He led us to this decision,
and He will walk with me through each class.through each payment, through each semester.

i have my backpack ready,

new pens and pencils and new notebooks.

i'm going back to school 

maybe i'll post my first day of school picture tomorrow.

i don't know what i'm doing.

sometimes the fear of failure is crippling to me. I don't want to admit that I am trying something new
because if it doesn't work
or go as planned,
then I've failed.

for all of the world to see


but if I just keep it a secret, then I can't be
ashamed
humiliated
embarrassed

when I fail. because nobody will know my little secret.

but when I keep it a secret,
I don't let those around me in.
I don't give them the opportunity to witness what the Lord is doing in my life
I don't let them pray me through it
and I don't let them see the Glory of God all the way through.

this is my little secret. that has been growing in my heart,
and that I am ready to try.

I am going back to school.
for pre-reqs for nursing school.
pre reqs start Aug 30; nursing school next summer.

and I am afraid to fail; but more afraid of not giving all of the Glory to God.
whether I fail or succeed, He deserves all the glory.