home

 

 

If I haven't made it clear, I want to make it known now

Sam really has been the only way I've made it through the last 7 weeks of this job.

 

He's been completely supportive, doing all the dishes, housework, and letting me crash asleep whenever I can get a minute.

 

the picture of these vows (though they are not the ones we said at our wedding) have never been more true than they are now. It's funny to me--we promise things at a wedding, and as we grow together, they become more true then when we promised them.

 

 I am madly in love with my husband. like, widly, madly, crazy in love with him. he is loving and patient and gentle and he leads me so well; he is easy to follow and easy to serve. he is quick to forgive and quick to ask for forgiveness. he makes me laugh daily. there isn't a favorite memory with him...but just a complete and utter underservingness on my part of how he loves me daily. i am so so thankful, day after day, to be his. to get to share his name. to know that he has promised me his whole life here on earth. to know that when the Lord made Samuel in his mother's womb, he was making him for me. my husband loves me with a love that is powerful and transforming. he loves me as to push me more towards Christ. i am madly in love, deeply underserving, and utterly thankful.  

 

I love you, Samuel.



the anti-valentines

I love valentines day.

I really do.

It's the day after my birthday, a day of love, full of chocolate and sweets and kisses.

What's not to love?

Yesterday was the WORST and best Valentines day.

Expectations were high. It was SUPPOSED to be an easy day at work.

I had a great lamb chop recipe for a romatic night in with my man.

BUT

I had a crappy day at work.

Getting yelled at for helping others.

Pulling the weight of 4 people who don't actually work.

And then getting in trouble for it.

I ugly cried for the last 30 minutes. UGLY. In my office, with the door shut.

and people outside could still hear me.

U-G-L-Y, people.

I didn't want to go home and cook for an hour.

But I wanted that romantic night with my mr.

So I called Sam from the parking lot of Kroger in a big hysteriacal mess and he said the most romantic words to me:

"Let's just get a frozen pizza and get in our pajamas when we get home"

yes friends, those were the most romantic words I could have hoped to hear.

and then I reazlied I couldn't go buy the pizza because I had lost my wallet.

more ugly crying, in the Kroger parking lot.

back to the office to look for the wallet.

no wallet, finally home, reaady to collape I check the mail.

Jury duty.

more tears.

and then my mr. comes home with a pizza, cookies, wine, roses and a card.

multiple episodes of the office were watched.

and he was asleep by 9pm.

it was just what I needed.

little things #3

our week this week has been full of many highs and lows.  lots of lows.  we are attending the funeral for Sam's boss tomorrow.  It is still eerie and haunting. but, in the midst of this crazy week, we have had countless blessings.


....Friday off!  Samuel and I both took today off as a "mental health" day/ we need a break from all the craziness for some time together.  We are probably still sleeping as you read this. and it rocks.

....Soup.  It's now chilly in Texas.   Well, it's like 80 degrees. so it's chilly.  While we are home all day today I plan on making this soup from my friend Jessi.  I am pumped about all the ginger, carrot, pumpkin-y goodness.

...such encouragement and support from you guys. one of my favorite things about  blogging is real women encouraging and loving on one another. I definitely felt the love and support this week.

...the thrifty seeker deal that went on all this week was a blessing. I am glad so many of you took advantage of it!  if you missed out, we've got some big news coming up on Monday that you won't want to miss.  think BIG.

....reading. I'm in the middle of The Help, and loving it so much.  i picture lots of reading this weekend.

This is what our weekend plans look like:

lots of reading

lots of cuddling and kissing.

(and no, we are not old; but I love this picture because I want to be doing this when we're 70)

lots of slowing down

resting

refreshing

A Good Wife

Proverbs 18:22 says:
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.

Samuel tells me this daily.

I want to become a good wife by the things I do.

laundry

cooking

cleaning

organizing

grocery shopping

dry cleaning

and the list goes ever on...

but the Lord tells me that I already have been made a good wife. the Lord declares that nothing I ever do will earn me anything. I can't earn my salvation; I can't earn favor from the Lord; I can't work my way into being a good wife. Into being a perfect helper for my husband. I will never be a perfect wife.

but I have been given grace, so there is no reason to wait. my heart, my soul, my life has been changed by the God who saved me. so what am I waiting for? to finish the list of things that I think makes a good wife?

The Lord has been speaking to my heart to be present. To be present to Him. To wait in eager anticipation of His words for me each day. To be present, involved, and active in my interns at work. To devote myself to them in the time I have with them. and most of all, to be present to my husband. to sit with him after dinner; to give him my full attention. to let go of the list and sit with my husband while he plays ncaa.

I am reminded too often that in the story of Mary and Martha; my heart learns towards Martha's. I am convicted when the Lord says in Luke chapter 10 "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one thing is necessary." Only one thing is necessary? and it's not a clean house.... In my business and desire to be a good wife, I often overlook the one thing that is necessary.

so this day, this Monday; I am going to be the good wife that I have been transformed to be. I'm not going to wait another week until I have that one last thing done off my list to be the good wife. I am going to chose the good portion.

One and only

Good afternoon friends.

I hope your Wednesday is going well.

I struggle with Wednesdays. 

Struggle?

YES.

I meant it.

I struggle with Wednesdays.

I don't know why.

As my dear husband says "You fall apart."

It's true.

The end of the week is just not as near as Thursday.  Monday and Tuesday are the beginning--it's work time.  Wednesday...is just there.  Right in the middle.  Maybe I struggle with it because I can't define it well.

No, that's not me, that's the husband.  He likes definintions. 

We I am off topic.

I apologize.

This past weekend we went to Austin to see some wonderful friends and family. Baby big boy Davis might have been the highlight.  Even his cute little voice saying "It's time to hero up" was enough for all the hours in the car.  And I hate riding in the car. 

We I am off topic, again.

It's Wednesday, what can I say.  I fall apart.

Now on to the real reason for this blog post.  On the way to Austin I was listing to Adele (who is so so talented, by the way). She has a song called "One and Only" that has been on repeat since Friday.  Yes, since Friday.  It is that good.

This song has gripped me and won't let go.  It reminds me of my husband.  It teaches me about my Savior.  Yes, it does both.  Nope, I don't think she meant it about Jesus.  But that's what I love about art/music.  It can all be about Jesus (my husband taught me this...he is the man). Jesus is creativity, He is all that is good; He turns all that is bad into good.  There is no reason for us to write off a song as "secular" when there are tidbits of truth in the song that can give Jesus praise.  The artist may not know Jesus, be writing about Jesus, but if it's true, then it's from the Lord and I can sing it to him.  So yes, this song teaches me about Jesus.  I'm pretty sure Adele just meant it about a boy. 

The part of the song that has gripped me is this:

You'll never know if you never try,
To forgive your past and simply be mine

The whole song is great; but that line keeps going through my head.  At first I could only think of my husband.  In our almost FOUR months of marraige, we are learning so much. We are learning how to "be one." We are learning self-sacrifice.  It would be so easy if we were both just blank slates.  But we aren't.  There are so many ideas and preconcieved notions we bring into marriage. There are bumps, bruises, and scars we got along the way on our path getting to each other. It's baggage.  There are things we have to chose to move past.  It doesn't just happen. Things don't just "go away."  We must TRY. 

Some of these things while difficult, are not impossible.  I must try to let go and let my husband listen to music at levels that I think my ears are bleeding.  I must try, but it's not impossible.  We must try and find harmony at breakfast.  Samuel loves eggs and bacon.  I hate both.  I LOVE pancakes.  They are not his thing.  Bagles are pretty neutral territory. This is easy.  I still have to try, but it's easy.

Then there's the big stuff.  And somewhere along the lines of the big stuff the Lord was teaching me (yes, He was teaching me while I was listening to Adele).  That our feeble trying won't make it.  If I try the "big stuff": forgiveness, self-sacrifice, humility, submission, on my own I will fail.  I will.  Trying won't cut it.  I have to trust.  I have a God big enough to trust. I have a God who has proven faithful.   I can forgive trusting Him to provide even the capablity to move on.  We share a God that delights in using us as a part of His Glory when we die to our selves.  I have to trust the promises I know in order to succeed. 

It's a leap of faith.  We have to trust the faithfulness and bigness of our God.  Without trusting Him, we can't forgive.  We can't learn humility.  We are stuck.  And yet those things are absolutely necessary for marriage.  We have to give up trying and just trust.  Not to say that in our trusting, we don't try.  Yes, forgiveness is work.  When I think I can't let one more thing go, I have to ask the Lord for the ability to forgive, and then actively change my state of mind.  When I just want my way, I have to trust the heart of my husband in knowing what's best for us as a family.

But when we trust, when we take that leap and are relying on a strength that is not our own.  Then we really are theirs.  When I trust my Savior and rely on His strengh, I am placing my idenity in him.  I am belonging to Him.  When I move past lies that past relationships have taught me, when I let of of my need to control, and just learn to love my husband deeper and more truley, then I am his. 

At the end of the song, it repeats this line for a while:

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart.

It's not easy to give up my selfishiness, self-righteousness, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc.  But I can trust them with my heart.  Each is worthy.  For them, I will give up my heart and all the desires along with it; because in each of them I know they have better plans for me than I have for myself. 

Because to have them (my Saviour and my husband), the cost of my heart seems a small price to pay.

Becuase to get to be their one and only;

Giving up my heart is so worth it.