longing for fall

while the summer air sits heavy on my chest

making it hard to breathe, hard to move

my heart is longing for fall.

living in Texas heat is our language.

hundred degree days lined up for miles

while northerners are breaking out cardigans

we're still scorched in the sun

maybe this summer I'm itching to get away

from the heat

to bring a new season

to bring new life

to bring fresh air

but these are the days we've been given.

you've been given some too.

are you wishing yours away? to something cooler,

something easier, something new?

I hope you'll join with me in enjoying the days.

even if they aren't the ones we long for.

these days are a gift we've been given.

bearing the weight

it's Friday morning and it seems like years ago that it was Monday.

5 short days that feel like a lifetime.

the weight of this season is heavy.

5 minutes into each day I'm ready to throw in the towel.

my heart is quiet in this season--when struggling to survive,

words seem like extra fancy gifts I don't have time to give.

this season began in a flurry. moving, changing, new.

it's now beginning to seem permanent.

it's hard and it's raw and it might not be over anytime soon.

and since the days will keep coming,

and this weight will still be here,

I've got to change how I'm bearing it.

because for now, it's draining me empty

leaving just the skeleton of the person I know I am.

i'm bearing it knowing it's a season

i'm bearing it knowing there's grace when I fail

i'm bearning it knowing it's for a reason

bearing it knowing there's a husband at home whose love is deeper than that day's struggles

bearing it knowing each day there's the promise of the quiet of the morning

bearing it knowing He's making me new

oh sorry, I thought I deserved that

there's a time for everything.
a time for me to show you weekend pictures,
and diets and goals.

and because this blog is the story of our life and the God who pours His grace over it.
there's a time to show you just how ugly my heart can be.

I had two classes this semester. and my job working at the lab.
and a little bit of that etsy stuff in between.
and in the midst of all of it, things got busy.

it got stressful to cook dinner.
laundry was a thing of the past
showers--every other day is plenty.

source

this became normal.
 except my greedy heart wanted time to do nothing
time to sit in front of the TV and watch the whole series of Lost.
and my selfish heart decided that since I worked so hard all week,
Saturdays should just be for fun.
no studying, no working, just fun.

and it worked pretty well, for most of the semester.
I had created a system for myself where I deserved rewards for working.

and it worked well,  until finals week came. and I still wanted that Saturday to do nothing.
so, I decided to schedule all my schoolwork for Sunday.
I'll just skip church and do all the work then.

source

and at this point, the Lord decided to use my husband for some nitty-gritty heart change.
amongst the fighting, tears, and heated statements, we got to a place where I said
"I value school over church."
NOT- school over my relationship with Jesus, but school over going to the building weekly church.
"I deserve time to rest and relax on Saturdays"

source

and what Sam said next is nothing short of the Lord speaking to me, using a person to do it.
in quiet and calm he said
"Sometimes we don't get what we deserve"

and I knew. what I deserve is Hell.
and what I've created here is a system where I'm God and I decide when I get rewarded. 
and all I really deserve is Hell.
but that's not what I get. and I'm not getting what I deserve.

so maybe I should get rest time.
and there will be seasons of rest, and seasons of working to the bone.
and it's all fine. I don't deserve full Saturdays of rest. 

because what I really hope to show is that I don't own my life.
it's owned by a God who is not giving me what I deserve.

Dear November

Dear November,

I hope that you don't bring with you any 90 degree days. let's agree to be done with summer.
I can't believe you are here. you bring so much fun and joy.
anniversary planning.
thanksgiving and family.
the beginning to our holiday season.
extra cups of coffee and hot chocolate.
and everyone's favorite, pumpkin pie.

I'm thankful for you November, and the change of seasons you bring.
thankful for a Father who knows my restless heart and knows how much good a change of seasons does for me. 

while you're here for the next 30 days, I will pledge to live in simple abundance.
abundance in coffee cups, in hugs, in nights snuggled close.
november, while you're here, i'm doing away with the overspending, overeating, and all those things that don't fill us like they promise.
i'm rejoicing in your simple abundance, your daily gifts of cool weather and sweaters.

welcome, November.