back to blogging

 

Normally, when I take a 6 week haitus from blogging, it's because too much is going on. And that couldn't be more true this time.  When I get quiet + vansish, it's all because under the surface everything is bubbling over.  After I posted about how I didn't get into nursing school, life just got tough.  It was a dry, hard spring. Most days felt like "getting by" days. And yet, He was there. In the midst of the hardest time in a long time.

"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing" Zep 3:17

But, there's a new morning and we're on the edge of a new, sweet season.

bitterness in my heart

For as long as I can remember, I've thought that I've got it all together.  I have a successful job, come home and cook dinner every night, run a small etsy shop, and find time to work out on the side. In reality, it's pride. It's me, showing off all I can do.

And then this new job. It's revealed a lot of my heart that's been there all along, I've just kept it hidden. I had "mastered" life to the point where I could shove those ugly skeletons in the closet for no one to see.

So now, when I'm not able to get satisfaction and happiness at work
when I'm not able to cook meals
when I'm not afforded time to relax at home
when I don't get the comfort that I want.

I begin to see that my heart has been angry, entitled, frustrated and jealous all along. I was just appeasing it with my self-righteous fulfillment. and in the midst of this, I'm finding I need a new heart. So I'm seeking the one who promises to remove my stony heart and replace it with a new one.

source

all I've been doing is pretending to know what I'm doing when I really don't. I need help from the only God who can change hearts. not self-help kind of help. santificaion  I want to be a new person.   and countless hours reading blogs, skimming pinterest, and endless tweeting don't solve the issue.

and so, this season hurts.
it's painful and uncomfortable
and it's showing me just how much I really worship control.

but this life is not for my happiness and control
it's for His glory
and for that, I want a new heart that holds no bitterness

dipped in gold

no pretty pictures today, just what's on my heart
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this season sparkles.
there is so much pretty, so much to buy.
gold and red and green lights sparkle.
tempt our wallets, tempt our hears to focus on something other than Jesus
 

but just because it sparkles, just because it's dipped in gold, it's not better

Jesus is better
Jesus is why we celebrate.

but I'm guilty too.
I see the things and I want
I see those who have more and my ugly jealous heart rears its head

so I'm praying I keep my eyes on Jesus
that Jesus would turn my eyes to Him
and seeing the babe in the manger, and the reason He came
I would celebrate.